Moving on after a Loss of a Relationship

Moving on after a Loss of a Relationship

Happy New Year to all of you! This New Year, I’m committed to writing more engaging column for you guys. My goal,  hopefully, is to help you to maneuver your way within the dating scene and provide valuable, unbiased advice so that you can achieve your happiness in your love life.

When I was thinking about the topics I should write for this New Year’s issue, I thought, for those who were singles, they might be very excited to start the year and meet new people and get attached in 2018. However, there may be some of you who are not quite ready to start dating again for various reasons. One of them could be due to a recent relationship failure. You may not be able to move on yet, or you’re still hurt.

I recently received the following question in my inbox and I want to share this because some of you may be in a similar situation:
“I recently broke up with my exboyfriend. I was told that I did not give him space. He ended up meeting someone else behind my back, and was caught redhanded, twice, by me. I had to let him go because I could not accept that he cheated on me.

It bothers me that he said I did not give him space. To me, being with him makes me happy. Am I selfish for wanting to be by his side? I regret loving him so much, because I feel like I am the only one in pain after we broke up.

I want to change for the better, and not be so clingy in my next relationship. What should I do? I’ve been crying for days, and I want to stop. I don’t have any friends to hang out with, as they are busy with their own lives. This relationship has really scarred me, and I don’t know what to do.”

This is my reply to her:
“Relationships can be tough. Love can feel like a battlefield at times. There are many people who carry their emotional baggage from a bad past relationship for months, or even years. It’s completely normal to still think about why it has happened or even question whether you are the one to blame for the break-up. But it doesn’t matter because whatever it is, your ex-boyfriend has already made his decision. No matter what the reason is, there is no excuse for cheating and lying. He is not the right one for you – and from here onwards, I would like you to focus on yourself.

Take a step back and reassess your priorities. A lot of times in a relationship, we end up being molded into a person that suits our partner, which may not necessarily be our authentic selves. So a breakup is actually a good opportunity to see what’s important to you, which may put you on the right path in your next relationship.

Ultimately, being in a relationship is not about making yourself complete – you need to be wholly complete first before getting into a relationship. You can do this by doing more things that you enjoy doing. Take new classes, go on trips, or embark on activities you have always wanted to try – keep yourself busy.

You can’t put a timeline on it. Basically, you need to be honest with yourself – you’ll definitely know when you’re still mourning over the loss of a relationship, or if you’re over it.

When you are ready to date again, do remember that a relationship is built on mutual trust and respect. For a relationship to work there need to be gives and takes, acceptance, and adjustments. There is no right or wrong answer on being too clingy or needy. What someone thinks is ‘being needy’, another person may think otherwise. So, in any relationship, there needs to be a compromise from both parties. Having an open and honest communication for you to express how you feel is very important.

Ultimately, if your boyfriend loves you enough, and he wants you to be happy, he would meet you somewhere in the middle. Similarly, you need to be understanding and accommodating enough to meet him halfway, too.

I’m saying this to everyone who has had their heart broken – that you will move on, if you allow yourself time and take small steps forward to heal. It sounds hard, but I assure you that you can get over it and find someone whom you love, and love you back.”

To all the singles out there, I hope you find someone who is right for you this year. Once again, Happy New Year!

Nikki Assavathorn is the founder of MeetNLunch, one of the biggest and most trusted dating companies in Thailand.